I got an email from HGTV with this subject matter. They are trying their best to come up with 12 things that will make dad's day. But come on! Honest, here's the link to the list!
How to Make Dad's Day
1. "This year surprise him with a statement that's not so clichéd. Not only is this Life Is Good Wavy Cap ($20) perfect for playing ball outside with the kids or gardening in the yard, but with just three simple words, the dad in your life can show off how good he really has it."
If you're going to give me something that says LIFE IS GOOD on the front, it damn well better be on the front of a wet T-shirt clinging to a very large breasted 20 year old blonde, named Inga. Then I'll show you how good I really have it!
2. "This training aid really helps make sure his putting stroke is going in the right direction," says Mike Strlekar, head golf professional of the Montclair Golf Club in Montclair, N.J., about the Pelz Golf Putting Track ($99.95). "We have members who bring it out to the putting green to practice with it," adds Strlekar of the portable track.
Stroke this! Buy me a set of new fucking Pings. Not this pansy ass rain gutter covered in astro-turf! This looks like something from Putt-Putt Golf that I played when I was 7. And make sure those new golf clubs are wrapped up in a golf bag like Rodney Dangerfield had in Caddyshack!. Come to think of it, just send me Judge Smails niece from Caddyshack and we'll call it even!
3. "So long, crooked shelves! Now Dad can use a professional-grade laser to hang pictures, install cabinets (and anything else that could possibly turn out lopsided), thanks to Black and Decker's Projected Crossfire Auto Level Laser."
Shoot me now! One more thing so mom can ask me to hang another fucking mirror in the living room! I need another tool so my Honey-Dew list can get longer every weekend. If I wanted it straight, I'd get out the level and a number 2 lead pencil and put a line on the damned wall. I already have a 10 inch bullet level, a 3 foot carpenter's level and a 4 foot framing level. I need something that will probably blind me like i need another orifice in my butt. I could have one of these things and level every picture, shelf and mirror in the house and the little lady would still go around and adjust them manually. Why the fuck does she tilt her head when she looks at them to see if they're straight?
4. "Most dads don't do complicated marinades. That's why we love Williams-Sonoma's Poultry & Fish, Ribs and Beef Grilling Rubs ($7 each). With a complex combination of smoky and sweet flavors, these tasty blends might help your dad give Bobby Flay a run for his sizzling money."
Hey, we're all not fucking Emeril La Gasbag! My garlic salt, pepper and beer marinade aren't good enough for you? They're hamburgers dammit, not a filet mignon. Stick a little A-1 or Heinz 57 on the meat and let me burn it. It's not supposed to taste like Cinnamon Toast, it's supposed to taste like a dead animal, cooked over a fire. The dog never complains! Rub This!
5. "A masculine version of the crocheted afghan he's been (happily) putting up with for years, L.L. Bean's Wicked Good Fleece Throw ($29) comes in your father's favorite colors--bay blue, charcoal and khaki--and manages not to mar Mom's decor. For bonus points, have it monogrammed with Dad's initials so that everyone in the house knows this cozy throw should not be moved from his chair."
Happily putting up with one of those afghans your senile aunt Zelda made? What frigging planet are you from? Favorite color my ass! Give me one made out of cotton flannel in red plaid, just like my winter shirts! Or better yet, go to the army navy surplus store and get me a couple of green army blankets! I never could figure out how the hell those knitted pieces of shit afghans could keep you women warm anyway. There's more open space in there than there is between Britney Spears ears! If you have to get me one of these, please don't have my initials put on it. I don't want people to think that "daddy needs a blankey while watching Oprah!"
6. "This is not just a T-shirt. The Short Sleeve CoolMax No Polo ($29.99) from Duluth Trading Company was designed for men on the move. The underarms are cut bigger for more flexibility, and the back is three inches longer than regular shirts (so he doesn't moon the family when he's fixing the sink). Best of all, the odor-resistant and fast-dry fabric will keep even the busiest dad fresh and dry all summer long."
Oh great!. This is too just a T-shirt! I can wear this while I'm playing putt-putt on the drain spout they suggested in number 2 above. It'll look so good after I leave oversize pit stains in the oversized underarms of the wussy thing. And, did anyone ask me if I mind showing my ass crack when I squat down on the floor to work on the sink? NO... in fact, I like showing off the crack in my ass. One of the women at my office tells me she thinks it's sexy. All you ever do is go "EEEEEEW Gross," and make a face like you ate a fucking bag of pickled dogshit! Well have I told you lately how you look when you try and wear one of those bare midriff outfits? Your love handles look like a life preserver lodged around your belly! No, I keep my mouth shut, but you have to buy me something so you don't have to look at my ass! Fix your own fuckin' sink!
7. "Authentic, original, powerful. Ray Charles' music is real man's music. That's why his albums are a must-have for Dad's music collection. Try the duet-filled masterpiece, Ray Charles, Genuis Loves Company, or go for Ray's through-the-roof hit parade, Ray!: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (both at Amazon, $13.49 each). Packed with favorites like "The Night Time Is the Right Time" and "Hit the Road, Jack," this gift might even inspire Dad to paint the basement or clean out the garage. (Of course, you could do one of those chores yourself for a present he'll really love!)"
Now here's one where they got it abso-fuckin-lutely right! But I see this must have been written by a woman, cause what's the last song mentioned? "Hit The Road Jack." You tryin' to send me a message? Huh? Then they have to go and screw it all up by suggesting that we can work on the damned Honey-Dew list while listening to Ray! But notice how they try to make it look like they're just kidding when they say in parenthesis no less.... that you could do some of those things yourself.... Yeah right! I stand a better chance of getting laid by your kid sister. Why don't you just put a stake through my heart and give me fucking Helen Reddy's Greatest Hits... I am woman, hear me bore!
8. "This drill is a great buy," says Cason Fentress, a professional carpenter regarding Skil's 18-Volt Cordless Drill With Stud Finder and Accessories ($99.96). "Plus, I like that it comes with two batteries, so one's always charging while the other one is in use." And it's maximum power. Eighteen volts is just about the highest amount a drill can offer. Don't be surprised if Dad, armed with his new equipment, builds an addition to the deck--or takes apart the furniture."
Hey, this list is starting to get good! But honey, we don't need a stud finder around this house, cause you got me! That's all you need to know. You know, if I chucked that french tickler I bought you for mothers day into this puppy, we just might some fun in the bedroom tonight!
9. "Every man likes to make his mark. With Plow & Hearth's Branding Iron ($39.95), Dad can actually sear his own initials onto unsuspecting hamburgers, steaks, hot dogs and chicken all summer long. If it can be grilled, it can be branded! (But if he starts trying to lasso the dog, you'll know he's gone too far.)"
I usually make my mark by writing my name in the snow! The way you bitch about my barbecue skills, you think I want my initials on the steak? Hell, you'd probably freeze 'em and use 'em as evidence of abuse in a divorce hearing. How bout I just heat this puppy up with the propane torch and put my initials on your ass? And don't be giving me any shit about the dog. If I lasso that poodle of yours, he's going fishing with me and he ain't coming back.
10. "The only thing better than a classic is a guilty pleasure. And 25 years after it first hit the big screen, Caddyshack ($14.98 at Amazon.com) is both. Trust us, you cannot go wrong with the number-one men's bonding movie of all time. Want proof? Ask any man over age 30 and he'll be reciting lines. For hours. Nonstop. While you're on the film kick, save Dad from having to pay late fees on DVD rentals--ever again. Late-fee-free home delivery services we love include Blockbuster ($14.99 a month) and Netflix ($17.99 a month)."
Shit! They must have actually asked a man what he wanted for this one. They ARE getting better as they go along. "Wanna tie me up with your ties, Ty?" This is "Gone With the Wind" for guys! I'll bet they asked that carpenter guy from This Old House about this one....
11. "Have you seen the top of your father's dresser lately? If it's covered with loose change, a cell phone and a few pens, then Dad needs a new place to store his stuff. The solution? Red Envelope's Soho Valet ($80), says Monica Ricci, author of Organize Your Office in No Time (Que Publishing). "It's professional, attractive, and the monogram plate on the front is a very nice personal touch." Best gift of all: With your dad's clutter cleared, your mother may finally stop begging him to tidy up."
Just when I thought they were going to finish out with a bang, they bring out some kind of organizer. Dammit, can't they figure out that the only organizers I need are another tool box and a couple more tackle boxes? This looks like something one of those guys on "Design On A Dime" would put on his dresser as an "accent piece." Isn't it enough that I let you put that lace doiley on the top of the dresser? Then I have to pick through all the holes just to get the change out of it in the morning. I can't wait to see what number 12 is...
12. Standing in line for a mocha latte is not your father's idea of fun. Take the wait out of the equation by having high-octane coffee delivered to his doorstep. Peet's Coffee and Tea Recurring Delivery (price varies) will ship his favorite French roast, or mix it up with Arabian Mocha-Java, Sumatra and more. What to do with all those grounds? Tell Dad about Starbucks' Grounds for the Garden program; composting with spent grounds will make his yard the envy of the neighborhood.
Standing in line for any reason other than to see Pamela Anderson's naked rack isn't my idea of fun! Come on now! This must have been the choice of that bald headed British fart from Designing for the Sexes. You know the show... the husband wants something, the wife wants something different. The host sells out to the wife and in the end the husband goes along with it, because it's still cheaper than a divorce. In the end, the wife cuts the husband off until he spends the extra $75 a square foot for that imported Italian marble that looks exactly like the stuff at Home Depot for a buck twenty nine a tile. And in the end, after the husband has been totally emasculated, he says he likes the way her pink bedroom with cherubs came out, too He's a total sellout, but I digress. WTF is up with foo-foo coffee being the number 12 item? Give me a three pound can of Folgers Drip, a government issue army can opener and $15 Mr. Coffee and I'll be set for a damn site longer than this stuff. But none of those silly Hazlenut creamers that taste like they're made from motor oil.
Basically, us dads are pretty easy. Want to get 12 things the old man will like? How about two sixpacks of Budweiser? Or a dozen wings at Hooters? Now those are thoughtful gifts!
Nor would I want to do it without ya.