SCHLO Sues Wrestlé Waters of North America in IP dispute!
For Immediate Release:
Today, Superior Cold-Hot Libation Organization
(NASDAQ Symbol: SCHLOX) announced that it has filed suit in its home
state of California against Wrestlé Waters, a division of the Wrestlé
Corporation for unlicensed use of SCHLO's Intellectual Property (IP)
and patented technology for the use of water in various Wrestlé
products. The suit seeks combined actual and punitive damages of 2
trillion dollars from Wrestlé.
In the suit, SCHLO claims that proprietary technology and trade
secrets have been misappropriated and re-sold under up to 12 different
brand names within the U.S. alone. SCHLO claims to have the patent on
water, which it says it perfected countless years ago. According to
their company history, SCHLO claims that their invention of water
pre-dates the invention of dirt, a product that is now in the public
domain.
In an interview with SCHLO CEO and President Snarl McSnide, McSnide
stated, "It has long been erroneously thought by scholars and the
general public alike that water was a commodity that could be used,
reused and manipulated at will. That is not the case, as we at SCHLO
through both mergers and acquisitions have come to own the
intellectual property used to make water. Further, we have patented
and copyrighted the process and chemical combinations necessary in
order for water to exist. All we are doing with this suit is asserting
our rights of ownership to the chemical compound our corporate
predecessors developed, the rights to which we now own."
When asked why SCHLO had taken so long to launch such a suit, when
water has been available for eons, in many cases without any
associated costs, McSnide responded, "At first we at SCHLO were a
little slow to realize that what Wrestlé was doing was bottling and
selling a product which was derived from the use of our intellectual
property. As soon as we realized they were making billions from
something which rightly belonged to us, we elected to file suit to
protect our rights as the owner of the intellectual property and
chemical process used to manufacture water. These are the steps we
took in order to protect the value of our company and to protect the
investment of our shareholders. Anything less would be a dereliction
of duty by the officers of SCHLO."
SCHLO has been a long time manufacturer of water coolers, water
fountains, ice machines and water filtrations systems. In fact SCHLO's
largest customers have been the twelve companies who make up the
Wrestlé Waters of North America brands. Most of the water coolers
rented by the Wrestlé brands to consumers were manufactured by SCHLO.
Other water distributors have charged that since SCHLO knowingly sold
their own water coolers to Wrestlé and in fact made their coolers
according to the industry standard 5-gallon water bottle
specifications, they have not only encouraged the use of water but in
fact granted an implied license to the use of water without the need
for any monetary compensation to SCHLO. "Are you nuts?" McSnide
bristled, "We never gave away any of these rights by selling coolers.
We didn't know what Wrestlé was going to do with them. Do you think
this stuff just falls from the sky? We own the intellectual property
for this chemical process."
McSnide continued, "When we discovered that Wrestlé was selling
bottles which were literally filled with our intellectual property, we
felt we had to protect the value of our stock. Since we filed suit, we
have discovered that every other manufacturer and distributor of
bottled water is using our patented chemical composition for their
profit and without compensation to SCHLO for use of our IP. When it
was all broken down, we found that in spite of some other trace
minerals found in the solutions of all manufacturers, or the addition
of fruit flavorings, the underlying chemical formula was identical to
ours. It is obvious to us that by the traces of other minerals and
flavorings we found in the products of the other manufacturers, they
were attempting to obfuscate the fact that this was our IP they are
selling."
"Since we discovered this, we have notified every manufacturer and
distributor of bottled water in North America that they are unlicensed
users of our product and intellectual property. As a gesture of good
faith, we will allow anyone with a legitimate interest in the case to
view our chemical makeup for water, alongside the comparative chemical
make-up for all 12 of the Wrestlé brands, as well as those from a
number of other manufacturers' products, whom we haven't decided if
we'll seek compensation from yet or not. You understand, that this is
all under non-disclosure agreement. All who have seen the chemical
composition of each of the exhibits have agreed that they are if not
identical, they are virtually identical to our chemical composition."
Analyst, Laura D.Idiot, says: "I am no lawyer, but from what I
was shown, the resemblance is striking and obvious. I'd say Wrestle
would do well to take this seriously. At a minimum, they need to
indemnify their customers. The market demands it. You can't just
sit around the campfire drinking water and singing Kumbaya any
more."
"Going forward," McSnide says, "we will be sending letters informing
the largest 1500 companies in the U.S. that by not only using the
bottled water of Wrestlé, but by using a filter, chiller, container or
any dispenser from any manufacturer other than SCHLO, they are in
violation of our IP rights, patent rights and copyright rights. This
includes every soft drink bottler and beer brewer in the U.S., as soda
and beer are obviously derivative works based upon our IP. But it
goes beyond that.
"We are sending notifications to all water parks in the U.S. We also
intend to put the government of the United States of America on notice
that the National Parks Service is also appropriating our IP without
license or approval at such places as Yosemite Falls in California,
and Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming. The National
Parks Service derives significant revenue from admissions to those
parks and I believe that our shareholders are due a portion of those
proceeds. We believe we are entitled to a royalty for every gallon of
water that flows over Niagara Falls. We will also seek to license fire
departments throughout the world in order to allow them to continue
using our products and IP to fight fires within their own
communities."
"Within the same letter, we will offer to license for an
as-yet-undetermined fee, which will allow them to continue using our
products so long as they provide SCHLO with adequate compensation. But
lest someone miscontrue our letters as mere marketing hype, we will
make clear in the letters that we reserve all our legal options and
rights with respect to those who continue to use the products created
with our IP without an appropriate license in place." When pressed on
what SCHLO's longer term plans might include, McSnide offered his view
of SCHLO's future. "SCHLO wants to ensure that its shareholders
investments are protected. What do I care about the world's water
drinkers? I answer to my shareholders. After we win the lawsuit
against Wrestlé, we'll go forward, armed with legal precedent and
aggressively pursue any and all companies and individuals who attempt
to make use of or derive monetary gain from the unlicensed use of our
IP.
"For example, the human body is approximately 75% water. Nowhere do we
have even a single license in place for the use of that water. We
haven't yet actually removed the water from a human being, but it is on
our agenda to do so very soon. We expect analysis to prove that human
beings are inappropriately using our IP for their own gain from birth!
With approximately 6.3 billion unlicensed users of our IP, we believe
there is a balance that can be struck which ensures that the people of
earth can be licensed at a reasonable rate. If you drink, bathe, or
wash the dog, you owe us. Beyond that, we intend to seek a licensing
arrangement with God Almighty to license his use of our IP in the form
of rain, ponds, lakes, rivers and oceans."
God could not be reached for comment. Deutsche Bank released a report
today setting a $54 target for SCHLOX. "The sky's the limit," DB
analyst Brain Seema said.
